I Didn’t Expect to Care about DOMA

I didn’t expect to care one way or another about the DOMA ruling by SCOTUS. Some of you will be surprised because I have been in a relationship with the most amazing woman in the world for a dozen years give or take. Some of you know that “Marriage is a tool of the patriarchy” is a slogan and a life at this house and that still stands.

Denise and Me

If my children want a wedding like party to mark a commitment to relationship, a coming of age as an adult, or just they want twinkle lights in mason jars with everyone they know to come and celebrate them–they know I am all for that–even without marriage. I don’t want my kids to get married in order to have a wedding. They know that. I will Martha Stewart the hell out of it. I will even pay attention to Pinterest in a way that I don’t now. I love that sort of thing. The girls also know that I want to be with them to choose their wedding dress. wedding(and when they give birth but yeah, I know I have to be more negotiable about that one but it will be really hard)


In any case, back to DOMA. The Federal protections given to married couples now seem to be given to all legally married couples, regardless of whether they are same-sex marriages or heterosexual marriages. There are a good number of states (mine not included) that recognize same sex marriages. We’ve never considered it. See above: patriarchy.

So, I didn’t think I cared. I didn’t even really follow any of the flurry of articles, posts, general babble about it in the past few months and years. I wanted something different, more equal, so that all people are treated the same under the law, whether they choose to marry or not.

This morning I walked in from trying to coax the dogs into the flooded back yard and Denise said “DOMA was struck down.” The morning had just started. I hadn’t been holding my breath. I think I responded with an “oh.” I know so many people–allies and people with a dog in this fight that probably greeted it with jubilant cheers. I didn’t. I didn’t expect to care too much about DOMA and Prop 8 except happy for friends who’ve invested a lot of emotion and money into it. I didn’t expect to feel anything when DADT fell until I saw the Happy GLBT Pride Month sign in front of the VA hospital.

Then I sat down to work and to surf the news to figure out just what had happened. There were a lot of versions of “win/lose” and all of that is yet to be determined. The ruling didn’t really mean every gay/lesbian couple in America can run out to get married during Pride month and enjoy all the benefits thereof. That’s something that the Supreme Court didn’t say.

But the more I read, the more I thought, the more chills and goosebumps I had. It reminded me of the Berlin Wall coming down. No, it isn’t the same at all. Just the way I feel is the same. This whole one little rock came down, then another, then another feeling. This historical ruling, the moment, the just wow of it.

Will we marry? Maybe. I never thought I would say maybe. But here I am, saying maybe. Let’s see how the rest of the wall falls.




  1. Little rocks mean big things in the whole wall of it all. And this is kind of a bigger chunk of rock.

    Sending love to you both — and all of yours. (Also, I love the “Martha Stewart the hell out of it” line. Love.)

  2. Holy.Shit.

    Sorry. It deserved a swear word.

    In the best way possible.

  3. I would be there with bells on. No really. Even if you didn’t invite me, I’d be outside, running around with bells around my neck. You should get married for the sight of this, alone.

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